Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team