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I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Check out the legs on this baby
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Why is this me 😫
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED