[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Breaking news:
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.