WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Duolingo getting serious.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.