Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog