I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
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I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.