Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
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I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.