If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
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I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Straight people are cancelled
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
October already? What’s next? November????
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates