“our sushi is very fresh”
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*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.