A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
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Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at