I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive