hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
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Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
no their not
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
A little too much information.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.