“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My life coach traded me.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”