If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
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<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
haha same
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire