HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”