I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
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You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”