If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.