It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
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You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}