Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
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[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam