Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
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“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
crochet youtube is brutal
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.