Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
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Miscakes
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
awesome draft from months ago i just found
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad