What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
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For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
✌️
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey