therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!