*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
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Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?