Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
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god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Lol.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.