[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
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My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.