My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
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Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.