Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
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no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I triple waxed for this?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.