This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
*aggressively waits in line*
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me irl
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.