My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
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Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.