My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.