“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
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Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
If I ignore life will it go away?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.