Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
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My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
The struggle is real.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”