#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
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Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers