Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
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Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
getting groceries
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.