My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?