My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.