leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
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[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok