if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
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They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??