In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.