Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
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Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
thanksgiving in nutshell
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.