Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
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Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
absolutely not
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.