WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
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inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again