[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
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Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??