No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
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What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same