“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.