One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
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I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
When your man makes a valid point
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“what that mouth do?” complain
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.