The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
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(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
real
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.