ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
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I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
smh
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.