Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
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Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
a public service announcement
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids